I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I did not marry a roomba.
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