I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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