So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
