The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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