White coat. Heels.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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