It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
