I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
