so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
