I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
