I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
