I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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