When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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