I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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