I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
