Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
