Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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