Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
