I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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