Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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