Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
