Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
