So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
