i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
