y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My vagina just clenched in fear
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
