I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
