i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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