a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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