the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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