Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
