We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize