I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
