I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
worst night to have a conscience
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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