Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
