yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
