I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
