i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
