its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
