Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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