Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
