The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
