i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Randomize
