No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
