you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
