I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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