They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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