Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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