Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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