If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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