he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
There's even glitter on my cock...
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