You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
