im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
