I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
