two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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