Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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