Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Acid is not a monday night drug
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
