Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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