My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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