moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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